his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
