She is in my trunk
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
