i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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