ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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