I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
