Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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