Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize