I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
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Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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