just come out here and I will go home with you...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
