Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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