Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
