Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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