Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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