When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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