Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
