im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
