If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
