When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize