Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
