I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if only i could text you this smell
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
