I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
