i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
