for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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