i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
