Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
