Ambien. No doubt about it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
