I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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