did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
