Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This is my life. Enjoy the view
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
