made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
