Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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