Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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