not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
