Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
