It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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