i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
As shirtless as possible
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Randomize
