Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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