While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
