Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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