Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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