If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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