just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
