last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
