My brain says no but my pants say off.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
