Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
