I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
