Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
