Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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