I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The air was thick with penises
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
