I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
