I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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