and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
