There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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