dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
