OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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