He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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