My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
