he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
