a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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