I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
