So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
