Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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